Lonely Demon
by QueenNyxOfTheDarkness
Summary: Darkness. A scarlet masked turtle knows the true meaning of darkness. Darkness is loneliness. Darkness is tears. But, most of all, darkness is the secrets you hold within. And, no matter how you run from what you hide, it'll always consume you. Always.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, guys! This is just a simple one-shot. Also, the turtles are 13 years old in this little story. I wrote the poem myself a while ago then thought "Let's put some use to this!" This is the result. Hope you enjoy!**

 **Warning: Contains suicidal thoughts and self-harm.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, in case that wasn't obvious.**

* * *

 **Lonely Demon**

Silence lingered in the chilly air. Winter had taken over the city of New York. Snow sprinkled from the darkened sky. The white powder created a thin sheet over the empty streets. Families snuggled together before drifting into slumber. All was peaceful and content.

Except one.

Beneath the sleepy city lay a young turtle. His vibrant green eyes stared vacantly at his ceiling. Outside of his door, he could hear his immediate younger brother attempting to coax his youngest sibling to bed. The eldest brother could be heard lightly chuckling at his bo staff wielding brother.

Sighing, Raphael felt a familiar stab of pain pierce his heart. The hotheaded Hamato loved his family more than they would ever understand. But, the love seemed one-sided to Raph. His brothers would purposely seek out each other but never the red-banded terrapin. He would only ever listen to their joy from his cold room.

Raphael was lonely.

 _Lonely is hard_

 _I look around and see love_

 _I want easy_

"But, Donnie!" Mikey's voice wailed. Raph could tell just by the impatient huff of his genius brother that Donatello was anxious to sleep.

"If Leo and I join you tonight, will you please go to bed?" Donnie's tired voice asked. Michelangelo's excited squeal informed the second oldest turtle brother that the answer was yes. A pair a hyper footsteps raced down the hall to Mikey's bedroom. Raphael knew by the slight pause that followed that Leonardo was rolling his eyes and Donnie was pinching the skin between his eyes. Moments later, four feet trudged wearily away.

The short-tempered turtle knew his brothers well. He knew their quirks and pet peeves like the back of his hand. It was agony knowing that his brothers didn't care enough about Raph to know him well. All they knew was his flaws, his anger.

Did they know how much that hurt Raphael?

 _Lonely is pain_

 _I see unscarred friends_

 _I want relief_

Quiet spread through the lair. But it didn't last long. Shining tears began to form in Raph's eyes. Slowly, they trickled down his angled cheeks. He struggled to choke down his heartbreaking cries. Ultimately, he failed.

Raphael sobbed soundlessly. Most of his nights played out this way. Releasing his hurt and sorrow through tears. Secretly, he craved for someone to hear him.

The youthful terrapin desired love more than life itself.

 _Lonely is silent_

 _I shed tears without sound_

 _I want someone to hear_

Unfortunately, Raph lacked any idea of how to communicate with his brothers. He was accustomed to bottling up his emotions and dealing with it through rage. Speaking about his problems was strange and foreign.

Raphael was scared.

Afraid of himself and what his family would say if they knew what he really was. He was slowly withering himself away with his own darkness inside. But he was too fearful to get help.

 _Lonely is complicated_

 _I only know life as alone_

 _I want a break_

Most days, Raphael yearned for death. His family wouldn't miss him. He didn't mean anything to them. It was too late to save him. Raph let his demons consume him. But it wasn't his fault. Raph simply wanted someone to listen to him. Little time was spent until he realized only he would listen to himself.

Wasting away his own darkness, Raphael spiraled deeper and deeper into an inky black hole. He forgot what it meant to be happy. He was drowning in the sea of shadows within.

 _Lonely is dark_

 _I am one with the shadows_

 _I want light_

Warm tears stopped its flow down Raph's face. Shakily, he lifted his pillow. His twin sais lay there, polished and ready.

Before he realized what was happening, Raphael was slicing open his own flesh. Long cuts ran down his forearms. Crimson blood slowly leaked from his self-inflicted wounds.

He never thought it'd get this far. Raph never could have imagined using his prized weapons for this lowly act. And yet, here he was. Staring numbly at the bleeding cuts he gave himself. Raphael just longed for freedom.

 _Lonely is desperate_

 _I attempt to escape its hold_

 _I want release_

Settling back into his bed, Raph knew there was no going back. This monster was what he had become.

It all started when he was lonely.

 _But lonely is who I am_

 _Part of my demons_

 _I am a demon_

 _That's what the lonely told me_


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi, readers. I was just going to keep this story as a one-shot, but I found another old poem on my notepad. Thus, the second chapter to Lonely Demon was born. Enjoy!**

 **Warning: Contains suicidal thoughts and self-harm**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.**

* * *

 **Blind Lies**

Morning was inevitable. The dull sun began its ascent over New York, adorning the blanket of snow with a shimmer. Streaks of pink and orange decorated the sky. A new day had begun.

For Raphael, it was just another day to hunger for death.

Peeling his tired eyes open, the red-wearing turtle braced himself for what was to come. The fear that his cuts would be discovered boiled inside. Yet, the desire to create more fogged over his common sense. For now, Raph merely wrapped up his forearms in a similar cloth to what he wore on his feet.

His family wouldn't understand his self-inflicted injuries. They wouldn't believe that their most egotistical brother could commit such a sin against himself.

Lies. What they knew about Raphael was lies.

 _Truth is an illusion_

 _Death is a salvation_

 _Don't trust them_

The hothead dragged himself out of bed, ambling to the dojo where his family would be waiting. Just as predicted, Leo, Donnie and Mikey all were present, kneeling before their sensei. Raph's brothers gave him disapproving glares, except for Michelangelo, who appeared to be half-asleep. Master Splinter flatly stared at his second eldest child.

"Raphael, would you care to explain why you are late for training?" The wise rat asked in his Japanese accent. Leonardo could be heard exclaiming an irritated " _Again_?" in the background. Raph simply glared absently at the floor.

"I accidentally slept in," the emerald-eyed ninja lied. He couldn't bring himself to say a word of the truth, although he knew he needed help. Raphael told himself over and over that what he felt didn't matter. He was insignificant. Besides, everyone dies at some point, he convinced himself.

 _Immortality is fake_

 _Lies for our sake_

 _Don't trust them_

Master Splinter scanned his quick-tempered son. His unique green eyes were bloodshot and his normal proud posture was abandoned as Raph hunched where he stood. It was clear the young turtle was utterly exhausted. The old rat gave Raphael a curt nod.

"Join your brothers," the sensei said. "You will receive punishment if you arrive late again, my son."

Raph bowed to his master without a word and kneeled beside Donatello. The genius looked at his immediate older brother with distain. The red-masked brother ignored the cruel gaze. He had learned long ago not to hold grudges. He shouldn't despise his family for their neglect. Raphael had gain a habit of directing all hate to himself.

 _Evil, good, no such thing_

 _Only what sorrow will bring_

 _Don't trust them_

Eyes trained on the ground, the green-eyed terrapin listened to Master Splinter give instructions. Donnie and Michelangelo were to spar one another as Raph and Leonardo fought. Dread settled in the pit of his gut as he made his way to the center of the room.

One mistake and Raphael would expose everything he slaved to hide.

The oldest Hamato brother and his immediate younger brother faced each other. Leo's sharp blue eyes bored into Raph. But the red-wearing turtle wouldn't let his barrier crumble. Not when he had so much to lose.

 _You cannot read my eyes_

 _You ignore my cries_

 _Don't trust them_

"Hajime!" Master Splinter boomed. Raphael leaped into action, muscles tense. Leo calmly sidestepped his brother's sais but it wasn't long before a kick from Raph knocked him down. Using his abdominal muscles, Leonardo sprung back to his feet and swung his katanas.

Time slowed down as the blue-banded turtle's blade sliced downward against Raphael's wrapped up forearms. The swords cut clean through the cloth, as bright emerald eyes widened. The makeshift bandage fluttered to the ground.

Panicked, Raph clutched his arm to his plastron in an attempt to hide his cuts. Leo paused where he stood and raised a mask-ridge. Breath came in small bursts as the sai-wielding terrapin battled to be composed. He was bare. The shield he had labored so tediously to forge had shattered.

 _Never look past my lie_

 _I can no longer deny_

 _I want you to be blind_

"Raph?" Leonardo questioned. Terror clouded over Raphael's mind as he fled to his room.

With his lights off, he sobbed in the corner of his inky black room.

In the shadows. Where hideous monsters like Raphael belonged.

 _Not who you think I am_

 _You will never understand_

 _For my sake, stay blind_


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello, everyone! This is the last chapter of Lonely Demon. This short story was a little disorganized but thank you to those who read it. Enjoy this finale and review please!**

 **Warning: Contains suicidal thoughts and character death.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but the italicized words is my original poem.**

* * *

 **Twisted Rope**

Thick, rough cords woven stunningly into a single unit. Rope. A beautiful item that could do hideous jobs. With a touch as gentle as a feather, Raphael stroked his finger down the coarse tendril. A single word rolled smoothly off his tongue:

"Soon."

Abruptly, a knock on his bedroom door ripped Raph from his sick trance. Hastily, he stuffed the rope under his bed's sheets. Raphael attempted to cover his sliced arms.

"My son, are you alright?" Master Splinter ominously opened the red-banded ninja's door. Raph automatically plastered his signature smirk onto his face. No, he was not alright. If only his father could see the lies he concealed.

"Hai, sensei," the short-tempered terrapin. "I just got caught off guard in the spar."

 _Naïve smiles_

 _Fake promises_

 _My wounds cannot be healed_

Walking completely into the small bedroom, the rat gave Raphael a suspicious look. His second oldest son would never race away so feverishly. Unless…

"Were you frightened?"

Raph let his sly smile fade. He was petrified. Utterly terrified of what he had transformed into and what he intended to do. He nodded before adding a more plausible explanation.

"I didn't expect Leo's attack," the young turtle lied, allowing bitterness into his voice. Raphael had ingrained what was expected of his attitude into his mind long ago. It was fake, all of it. Just an illusion.

Master Splinter believed him.

"I understand, Raphael," the ninjutsu master said. "But, remember, a ninja must always be ready for an attack. I expect better of you next time."

With those words, the rodent strode away.

 _Foolish trust_

 _Festering evil_

 _My fate has been sealed_

With a sigh, the green-eyed liar silently plodded to his door. He took a deep breath, indulging in the aroma of his home. It wasn't an appetizing smell but it was familiar. Comforting.

Raph didn't understand why he all of a sudden felt so sentimental about the place where he felt like the enemy. He bore a heavy-heart when he enviously watched his brothers. Yet, this place was all he knew. It was both a prison and a safe haven.

With a wistful expression, he lightly closed the door. Raphael moved back to his bed and uncovered his rope. His lips morphed into an unstable grin. Voices in his mind eagerly began to chatter.

"You're close. So close to the end."

"Finally, freedom."

"Real life will soon begin."

"You've always been dead. All you need now is a noose."

 _Clarity lost_

 _Sugary whispers_

 _Time to lose all hope_

Careful green fingers picked up the rope. Just as he had been practicing for months, he created a simple noose. He was unsure, yes. But Raphael was overjoyed despite his hesitance. He held salvation in his shaking hands.

The rope had two loops. One, the actual noose that would tighten when weight was applied. The other was tiny, only large enough to slide onto the middle prong of Raph's sai. He did so, slipping the ring on gently. Using his strong legs, he leapt up and stabbed his sai as firmly as he could into his bedroom wall. Admiring what he had created, he landed back on the ground.

He was ready. Death was ready.

Before completing the deed, Raphael added one final, deep cut to his wrist. Using the blood that gushed from his gash, he wrote a messy message on the wall.

His last words to his family.

 _Twisted pleasure_

 _Shaking faith_

 _There is life in the hanging rope_

Finishing his note, Raph vaulted upward once more and jabbed his other, now bloody, sai into the wall. He looped the noose around his neck with one arm while using to other to stay up.

It was done. The noose was in place. All he needed was to let go of his sai.

Raphael went over it all. His mistakes. His secrets. His beloved brothers. His soothing father. His hate and his depression. It was worthless. All of it. Just as he was.

He let go.

The rope tensed. A sickening crack echoed in the dark room.

Death took away Raphael's soul.

 _Burning emptiness_

 _Boiling in sins_

 _Scorch it in your head_

Hours later, two innocent blue eyes peeked into the room. His shrill scream pierced through the air as he saw the swaying corpse.

A wise rat rushed to the young wailing turtle. Tears were streaming down his round, freckled cheeks. Two terrapin ninjas followed.

They loved the spirit that once resided in the body they found.

They never learned that Raphael died thinking he was hated.

Each of them sobbed that night. Sleep was forgotten.

The crimson words, stained on the dead turtle's bedroom wall, rang in their heads:

 _Give up_

 _Save yourself_

 _Release twisted around my neck_

 ** _I am already dead_**


End file.
